Di Another Day
The Daily Express yesterday reacted to Prince Charles proposal to Camilla with the front page headline “What would Diana Say?”
What? Who cares? She’s been dead for years and Charles has no reason to contemplate some kind of weird undead what-if scenario. But the Express believe that the Diana nostalgia well has not yet run dry and they feel it is their patriotic duty to crank out one more wildly emotional pile of pompous gibberish maquerading as some kind of morality tale. They are idiots and must be trampled to death by elephants at the earliest opportunity, but until then we can only be grateful for one thing...they aren’t the Daily Mail.
Meanwhile, we crank up the time machine and go back to two nights ago, and Express proprieter Richard Desmond is stalking the office, throwing copies of Asian Babes and Slutty Corpses at unlucky sub-editors.
RD: Fucking hell, there must be a story here about how Charles is a heartless bastard...I mean, what if Diana were still alive?
Sub: But she isn’t, she’s dead.
RD: But what would she say?
Sub: Nothing, she’s dead.
RD: But would she approve if she were alive?
Sub: But she isn’t alive, she’s dead.
RD: Perhaps you’re right. Ah, but what if she weren’t? How bad would Charles look then?
Sub: But she’s dead! Who cares?
RD: I do! The readers do! If Charles has committed an immoral act they wish to know!
Sub: But he hasn’t committed an immoral act. She’s dead.
RD: You’re fired! And take this collection of porn with you!
Sub: Er, actually it’s your collection...you own the company, remember? You broadcast this filth on Pay TV whilst putting out a newspaper brimming with moral outrage at everything and everyone.
RD: Ye gods, you’re right, I’m a hypocritical violent obnoxious little pornographer, aren’t I? I shall sell all my interests in pornography immediately.
Sub: Good idea.
RD: What? It was a fucking joke, you talentless hack! You’re fired! Why is this country full of Nazis? Mein Herr! Mein Herr! Now come here and let me punch you in the face. You’re fired!
At this point Desmond starts goose-stepping towards the sub whilst drooling and waving his fists. The sub rolls his eyes and goes back to work, checking through a piece in which Express staff contact Diana’s ghost with the help of Jackie Stallone and David Beckham. So we step back into the time machine and return to the present, which is now a post-apocalyptic wasteland because you stepped on a butterfly in the past.
Honestly.You daft bugger.
What? Who cares? She’s been dead for years and Charles has no reason to contemplate some kind of weird undead what-if scenario. But the Express believe that the Diana nostalgia well has not yet run dry and they feel it is their patriotic duty to crank out one more wildly emotional pile of pompous gibberish maquerading as some kind of morality tale. They are idiots and must be trampled to death by elephants at the earliest opportunity, but until then we can only be grateful for one thing...they aren’t the Daily Mail.
Meanwhile, we crank up the time machine and go back to two nights ago, and Express proprieter Richard Desmond is stalking the office, throwing copies of Asian Babes and Slutty Corpses at unlucky sub-editors.
RD: Fucking hell, there must be a story here about how Charles is a heartless bastard...I mean, what if Diana were still alive?
Sub: But she isn’t, she’s dead.
RD: But what would she say?
Sub: Nothing, she’s dead.
RD: But would she approve if she were alive?
Sub: But she isn’t alive, she’s dead.
RD: Perhaps you’re right. Ah, but what if she weren’t? How bad would Charles look then?
Sub: But she’s dead! Who cares?
RD: I do! The readers do! If Charles has committed an immoral act they wish to know!
Sub: But he hasn’t committed an immoral act. She’s dead.
RD: You’re fired! And take this collection of porn with you!
Sub: Er, actually it’s your collection...you own the company, remember? You broadcast this filth on Pay TV whilst putting out a newspaper brimming with moral outrage at everything and everyone.
RD: Ye gods, you’re right, I’m a hypocritical violent obnoxious little pornographer, aren’t I? I shall sell all my interests in pornography immediately.
Sub: Good idea.
RD: What? It was a fucking joke, you talentless hack! You’re fired! Why is this country full of Nazis? Mein Herr! Mein Herr! Now come here and let me punch you in the face. You’re fired!
At this point Desmond starts goose-stepping towards the sub whilst drooling and waving his fists. The sub rolls his eyes and goes back to work, checking through a piece in which Express staff contact Diana’s ghost with the help of Jackie Stallone and David Beckham. So we step back into the time machine and return to the present, which is now a post-apocalyptic wasteland because you stepped on a butterfly in the past.
Honestly.You daft bugger.
posted by Jamie at 7:29 PM
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