Ten Pin Policies
"Let the sunshine of hope break through the clouds of disappointment..." -- Michael Howard.
Jesus. The vampire jokes have started to write themselves now.
So. We have before us a summary list of Labour and Tory policies, courtesy of the Guardian. Direct comparisons are tricky due to the stench of bad rhetoric, so we must try and boil this thing down to the few genuine facts contained within.
The first thing we can get rid of are the numerical claims. "The party's school expansion fund will see 600,000 more school places created in the first term of a Tory government," for instance. These numbers, like all the numbers we have here, are groundless and empty.
We take a piece of charcoal to the policy and obliterate them with a toe-curling scrrrch, scrrrch... But we still have too much yapping. We can safely scratch out any policy that blatantly ignores common sense and instead barks up the political correctness tree, because these things are supposed to be political announcements and not a bunch of pissed up blokes on a righteous pub rant. So, "The Tories have also pledged to end the "politically correct" trend of sending children with special needs to mainstream schools...", that can go too. Scrrrch, scrrrch. And the entire asylum seekers debate can be erased until we have some difficult and meaningful political thought on the subject from someone...anyone.
Well, we have purged ourselves of much of the Tory detritus here, so we need to attack both main parties in one fell swoop. This is straight forward - all we do is scratch off the bribes. Both sides are rubbing the toes of the UK's pensioners with council tax deductions and rebates. Labour are promising flash-bang investments in the fashionable sciences, but we have already crossed this one out under our numerical claims rule. Also, "Teenagers are being offered up to £30 a week to stay on at school or college under the government's education maintenance allowance scheme." Bye bye brer bribe...scrrrch, scrrrch. If only the little bastards could vote, right?
Outrageously vague promises can be ignored. Pledging two hundred million billion pounds, or whatever the hell the figures are, to the NHS does nothing but prove that neither side still do not know how to maintain a working healthcare system. But it is worth noting that, unlike Labour, the Tories wish to scrap healthcare targets. This does not help a single dying patient and reeks of "so what would sound good to the voters and doesn't cost anything?", but is the Right thing to do nonetheless. Elsewhere, "The government says it can spend more on frontline services by cutting back on unnecessary bureaucracy." Goody! We all hate red tape!
Some of the policies overlap. As any schooboy knows, when you have two identical components on both sides of the equation, you cancel them out and -- provided the ADD pills haven't kicked in -- chuck them over a bunsen burner and frighten the girls in the corner. Maternity pay, environmental policy, ID cards, organised crime, pensions and war all have too many similarities for comfort, blurring the arguments at a low level and allowing only a few a-bomb policies to light up the sky. This is amounting to little more than a willy-waving firework display.
Okay...pick up your pieces of paper, dust off the excess charcoal and see what is left.
Anything?
Anything?
Jesus. The vampire jokes have started to write themselves now.
So. We have before us a summary list of Labour and Tory policies, courtesy of the Guardian. Direct comparisons are tricky due to the stench of bad rhetoric, so we must try and boil this thing down to the few genuine facts contained within.
The first thing we can get rid of are the numerical claims. "The party's school expansion fund will see 600,000 more school places created in the first term of a Tory government," for instance. These numbers, like all the numbers we have here, are groundless and empty.
We take a piece of charcoal to the policy and obliterate them with a toe-curling scrrrch, scrrrch... But we still have too much yapping. We can safely scratch out any policy that blatantly ignores common sense and instead barks up the political correctness tree, because these things are supposed to be political announcements and not a bunch of pissed up blokes on a righteous pub rant. So, "The Tories have also pledged to end the "politically correct" trend of sending children with special needs to mainstream schools...", that can go too. Scrrrch, scrrrch. And the entire asylum seekers debate can be erased until we have some difficult and meaningful political thought on the subject from someone...anyone.
Well, we have purged ourselves of much of the Tory detritus here, so we need to attack both main parties in one fell swoop. This is straight forward - all we do is scratch off the bribes. Both sides are rubbing the toes of the UK's pensioners with council tax deductions and rebates. Labour are promising flash-bang investments in the fashionable sciences, but we have already crossed this one out under our numerical claims rule. Also, "Teenagers are being offered up to £30 a week to stay on at school or college under the government's education maintenance allowance scheme." Bye bye brer bribe...scrrrch, scrrrch. If only the little bastards could vote, right?
Outrageously vague promises can be ignored. Pledging two hundred million billion pounds, or whatever the hell the figures are, to the NHS does nothing but prove that neither side still do not know how to maintain a working healthcare system. But it is worth noting that, unlike Labour, the Tories wish to scrap healthcare targets. This does not help a single dying patient and reeks of "so what would sound good to the voters and doesn't cost anything?", but is the Right thing to do nonetheless. Elsewhere, "The government says it can spend more on frontline services by cutting back on unnecessary bureaucracy." Goody! We all hate red tape!
Some of the policies overlap. As any schooboy knows, when you have two identical components on both sides of the equation, you cancel them out and -- provided the ADD pills haven't kicked in -- chuck them over a bunsen burner and frighten the girls in the corner. Maternity pay, environmental policy, ID cards, organised crime, pensions and war all have too many similarities for comfort, blurring the arguments at a low level and allowing only a few a-bomb policies to light up the sky. This is amounting to little more than a willy-waving firework display.
Okay...pick up your pieces of paper, dust off the excess charcoal and see what is left.
Anything?
Anything?
posted by Jamie at 6:46 PM
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