That New Metro Science Brief in Full
Introducing the Metro’s exclusive new science section to keep informed all you time-poor, cash-rich urbanites too long starved of intelligent and digestible information about science, nature and technology on your way to work.
Wow! Black Holes!
Eminent sciencepersons yesterday revealed a whizzy fact about the cosmos in what we live in. “Black Holes”, which are really massive spheres of a dense material called “Gravity”, do not just stay still and suck in huge wodges of matter (aka “Space Stuff”). They actually move about around the big expanse in what we live in...and there could be one in our very own galaxy, the Milky Nebulus! The middle class immediately started a campaign to get it relocated to a poorer galaxy where “the locals won’t notice because they’re some kind of space monkeys, or something.”
Here’s a really whizzy diagram of some red balls orbiting some blue balls to prove everything we just said.
“Space is really big”, giggled Doctor Katie Price.
Whoo! A Funny Equation!
Boffins this morning came up with an equation that proved people were genetically disposed to buying products from Nike. The equation, which we’re simultaneously mocking and thoroughly publicising, is really short and was formulated especially for a press release sent out by Nike to all tabloid newspapers.
“It’s real mathematics an’ that!” said a Nike Spokesbot between oil changes earlier.
Woah! Round Earth!
A bunch of dappy braniacs today told us exclusively that the world in what we live in is spherical. Our diagram of a blue ball orbited by a little red ball demonstrates the intricate physics and complex forces involved.
“It’s not flat or nuffink!” giggled David Beckham, eminent worldologist who spoke to us this morning from his laboragorium in Spain. “An’ that.”
Whee! Big Explosions!
A load of French geeks in white coats who are really socially inept today announced that they had built the world’s biggest doughnut-shaped tube for science an’ that, in the French town of Haw Haw Haw!
“It whizzes loads of small things around that whack into each other, and everything!” giggled Professor Doctor Gillian McKeith, who is a very important actual scientist and everything. “The resulting explosions make us know stuff about fundamental... whoops, too many syllables... I mean really simple basic things that when put together form the world in what we live in.”
She went on to express lots of very serious stuff about science that used equations an’ that! “Buy my book or you’ll die of foodlessness!” she added, blushing as she hid her modesty behind a tesla coil.
Bugger Me! It’s Unlimited Power!
Some girlfriend-less sub-human weirdos who live with their parents announced today that they have completely and utterly solved the problem of nucular fusion (aka “Magic Energy”) last night in a really really long meeting that went on for hours.
Our diagram of a red ball hitting some blue balls shows the processes that are involved in some way or other, simplified because we weren’t listening to what the astrologist we phoned earlier told us.
“Our whizzy new nucular fusion power house will be ready to go within, ooh, ten days,” said someone whose name we’re not telling in case somebody follows this story up. “We have the blueprints here in our special safe and we’ll be building it tomorrow on top of a really big hill where the sun shines and the bunnies play twenty four hours a day. From this power station we will be able to generate a billion trillion gillion hellawatts! That’s probably enough power to destroy Hiroshema a thousand times over, or summat!”
In Tomorrow’s Mega Sciencegasm in Metro, we examine what the forthcoming hosepipe ban will mean for Madonna and Guy Ritchie, we look at how Brownian Notion applies to jiggling norks, and the latest research on climate change is peer-reviewed by Nasty Nick from TV’s Big Brother.
Wow! Black Holes!
Eminent sciencepersons yesterday revealed a whizzy fact about the cosmos in what we live in. “Black Holes”, which are really massive spheres of a dense material called “Gravity”, do not just stay still and suck in huge wodges of matter (aka “Space Stuff”). They actually move about around the big expanse in what we live in...and there could be one in our very own galaxy, the Milky Nebulus! The middle class immediately started a campaign to get it relocated to a poorer galaxy where “the locals won’t notice because they’re some kind of space monkeys, or something.”
Here’s a really whizzy diagram of some red balls orbiting some blue balls to prove everything we just said.
“Space is really big”, giggled Doctor Katie Price.
Whoo! A Funny Equation!
Boffins this morning came up with an equation that proved people were genetically disposed to buying products from Nike. The equation, which we’re simultaneously mocking and thoroughly publicising, is really short and was formulated especially for a press release sent out by Nike to all tabloid newspapers.
“It’s real mathematics an’ that!” said a Nike Spokesbot between oil changes earlier.
Woah! Round Earth!
A bunch of dappy braniacs today told us exclusively that the world in what we live in is spherical. Our diagram of a blue ball orbited by a little red ball demonstrates the intricate physics and complex forces involved.
“It’s not flat or nuffink!” giggled David Beckham, eminent worldologist who spoke to us this morning from his laboragorium in Spain. “An’ that.”
Whee! Big Explosions!
A load of French geeks in white coats who are really socially inept today announced that they had built the world’s biggest doughnut-shaped tube for science an’ that, in the French town of Haw Haw Haw!
“It whizzes loads of small things around that whack into each other, and everything!” giggled Professor Doctor Gillian McKeith, who is a very important actual scientist and everything. “The resulting explosions make us know stuff about fundamental... whoops, too many syllables... I mean really simple basic things that when put together form the world in what we live in.”
She went on to express lots of very serious stuff about science that used equations an’ that! “Buy my book or you’ll die of foodlessness!” she added, blushing as she hid her modesty behind a tesla coil.
Bugger Me! It’s Unlimited Power!
Some girlfriend-less sub-human weirdos who live with their parents announced today that they have completely and utterly solved the problem of nucular fusion (aka “Magic Energy”) last night in a really really long meeting that went on for hours.
Our diagram of a red ball hitting some blue balls shows the processes that are involved in some way or other, simplified because we weren’t listening to what the astrologist we phoned earlier told us.
“Our whizzy new nucular fusion power house will be ready to go within, ooh, ten days,” said someone whose name we’re not telling in case somebody follows this story up. “We have the blueprints here in our special safe and we’ll be building it tomorrow on top of a really big hill where the sun shines and the bunnies play twenty four hours a day. From this power station we will be able to generate a billion trillion gillion hellawatts! That’s probably enough power to destroy Hiroshema a thousand times over, or summat!”
In Tomorrow’s Mega Sciencegasm in Metro, we examine what the forthcoming hosepipe ban will mean for Madonna and Guy Ritchie, we look at how Brownian Notion applies to jiggling norks, and the latest research on climate change is peer-reviewed by Nasty Nick from TV’s Big Brother.
posted by Jamie at 4:59 PM
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