My Poppy's Bigger than Yours
Dear celebrity,
Thank you for requesting your copy of the 2004 Celebrity Poppy Catalogue! I'm sure you'll agree that it is a wonderful publication, and I urge you to take your time in browsing it. Here are some of the catalogue's highlights:
Super-Sized Red Poppy
For those people frustrated that the size of the poppy does not automatically increase with the size of their donation, this is the solution. This massive red poppy has a base size of 36 inches and comes complete with a large number of attachable leaves. You can keep building the poppy outwards until you believe your generosity is being amply demonstrated to the world. Comes complete with a tub of gold-based paint and a special pen-shaped applicator so you can write the size of your donation across the poppy's sturdy wooden middle section. And for just £59.99 extra, you can purchase the optional voice recorder, speaker and remote activator, so that you can let everyone, including the blind, know about the extent of your generosity at top volume. It's the all-in-one package!
White Poppy
For those of you who are better than the rest of us, the white poppy proves to everyone that you care more than those who wear the red poppy. The unique colouring of this poppy will create a talking point at any Hoxton gallery, branch of Starbucks or celebrity panel game. When people ask you why your poppy is white, you can launch into the spiel detailed on the free booklet included with every poppy. Don't forget to tell them how much more you donated than them!
Green Poppy
Are you frustrated that the Royal British Legion do not do enough for our beautiful Mother Earth? Do you despair at the petrol miles wasted in transporting troops overseas in the second world war? Unbelievable, isn't it? Now you have a chance to let the world know that you are unwilling to donate money to a bunch of hooligans, because you are a better person for not raping the environment. Comes complete with a sheet of transfers depicting a cross-legged woman looking up to heaven and sighing at the cruelty of man towards nature.
Media Poppy
This special metallic red poppy is over five foot across and lights up in synchronicity with the red light on the camera when you are going live. So make sure you wear this poppy every time you are going to speak on air! Warning: if anyone else in the studio is wearing the Media Poppy, then you will be unable to prove your undoubted charitable credentials. In this case, please consider upgrading to our deluxe model, which is ten foot across, has a 85 dB klaxon attached and comes complete with an acid gun that automatically squirts anyone else in range who is wearing a poppy. That'll teach them to upstage you, the self-aggrandising curs!
Red Poppy, normal
Jesus. What is it, don't you care? You can buy one if you want, but seriously…there is no set donation, so poor people can buy them too. So think carefully before you waste your money on this, you undignified wretch.
---
Seriously, give something and wear that simple little poppy with pride. And every time you see somebody on television who has forgotten that the poppy is a symbol of remembrance and not how generous the wearer is, don't forget to wallop them around the head with a rowing oar.
Thank you for requesting your copy of the 2004 Celebrity Poppy Catalogue! I'm sure you'll agree that it is a wonderful publication, and I urge you to take your time in browsing it. Here are some of the catalogue's highlights:
Super-Sized Red Poppy
For those people frustrated that the size of the poppy does not automatically increase with the size of their donation, this is the solution. This massive red poppy has a base size of 36 inches and comes complete with a large number of attachable leaves. You can keep building the poppy outwards until you believe your generosity is being amply demonstrated to the world. Comes complete with a tub of gold-based paint and a special pen-shaped applicator so you can write the size of your donation across the poppy's sturdy wooden middle section. And for just £59.99 extra, you can purchase the optional voice recorder, speaker and remote activator, so that you can let everyone, including the blind, know about the extent of your generosity at top volume. It's the all-in-one package!
White Poppy
For those of you who are better than the rest of us, the white poppy proves to everyone that you care more than those who wear the red poppy. The unique colouring of this poppy will create a talking point at any Hoxton gallery, branch of Starbucks or celebrity panel game. When people ask you why your poppy is white, you can launch into the spiel detailed on the free booklet included with every poppy. Don't forget to tell them how much more you donated than them!
Green Poppy
Are you frustrated that the Royal British Legion do not do enough for our beautiful Mother Earth? Do you despair at the petrol miles wasted in transporting troops overseas in the second world war? Unbelievable, isn't it? Now you have a chance to let the world know that you are unwilling to donate money to a bunch of hooligans, because you are a better person for not raping the environment. Comes complete with a sheet of transfers depicting a cross-legged woman looking up to heaven and sighing at the cruelty of man towards nature.
Media Poppy
This special metallic red poppy is over five foot across and lights up in synchronicity with the red light on the camera when you are going live. So make sure you wear this poppy every time you are going to speak on air! Warning: if anyone else in the studio is wearing the Media Poppy, then you will be unable to prove your undoubted charitable credentials. In this case, please consider upgrading to our deluxe model, which is ten foot across, has a 85 dB klaxon attached and comes complete with an acid gun that automatically squirts anyone else in range who is wearing a poppy. That'll teach them to upstage you, the self-aggrandising curs!
Red Poppy, normal
Jesus. What is it, don't you care? You can buy one if you want, but seriously…there is no set donation, so poor people can buy them too. So think carefully before you waste your money on this, you undignified wretch.
---
Seriously, give something and wear that simple little poppy with pride. And every time you see somebody on television who has forgotten that the poppy is a symbol of remembrance and not how generous the wearer is, don't forget to wallop them around the head with a rowing oar.
posted by Jamie at 1:14 PM
1 Comments:
Boom boom! One in a row! ;)
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