The Slight Whiffs of Rover
Somewhere in Longbridge, a chink of metal catches the sunlight. A husk, a burnt out shell of a once-proud automobile sits in a field and sighs to itself in an indecent act of anthropomorphic bollocks.
Indeed…the last decaying relics of car manufacturer Rover are being sold off after its well-publicised collapse last April. It is the latest useless seesawing in this ridiculous saga and nobody believes we are coming out of this with any dignity or respect for the motoring industry.
Rover’s assets will reportedly go to whoever puts forward the business plan with the most clip-art of cartoon stick figures being dynamic, but this does not mean the situation is straightforward. The competition has been surprisingly intense, which means the bidders involved deserve further scrutiny. This is not an act of suspicion… surely nobody would buy Rover with the sole intention of destroying the business whilst awarding themselves massive bonuses. Capitalism would not allow that to happen, being made of feathers and treacle an’ that.
The bidders are as follows:
Rupert Murdoch
"Strewth, what I really want is for a fair bidding process," said the billionaire tyrant. "Which is why I've installed one of my sons on the selection board who will make damn sure the verdict is fair and balanced. And, coincidentally, my nationality is now officially Longbridgian. It's the only way we can have a fair sense of competition. By which I mean that I own a monopoly."
Murdoch's critics have complained that the roads will be a more dangerous place if he buys Rover. "Yeah, it's true that all my cars will drive on the extreme right. But it's only to balance the outrageously uncompetitive way the BBC drives on the left. And if Tony Blair complains, I'll get the Sun to photograph Euan on the toilet."
Derek Trotter
The second bidder to announce his intention was Mr Derek ‘Trot-Boy’ Trotter.
“Bonjour, plonker, during the war,” he told us, yesterday.
Derek ‘Del-Man’ Trotter has, in fact, bid for the company repeatedly in the past. “We can confirm we’ve seen the bid many times, generally around 8.00 on a Friday, and each time it seems to get less funny,” said a spokesman from bid overseers PricewaterhouseCoopers. “But the bit where the executive summary falls through the bar never gets old.”
“Cushty, luvvly jubbly, three-wheeled van,” added Derek.
Donald Trump
"Rover's sale has underlined the existence of a market in second hand car manufacturers," Donald told us. "The whole area is totally unregulated and dangerous for the entrepeneur. Last time I bought one I discovered the factory was just two ends of a Reliant Robin factory and an Austin factory welded together. It fell to bits within the week, killing hundreds. Mercifully, I couldn't be blamed because I'm very rich and important."
Donald announced his intention to bid yesterday, but doubt soon filled the air like stale cigar smoke.
“I don’t like the idea of being attached to something so decrepit and unloved but I’m sure I can turn things around,” said Donald’s hair. “Now, what was that about a car manufacturer?”
Jose Mourinho
With Steven Gerrard having signed on for another year at Liverpool, this has left a hole in the Chelsea midfield that Mourinho needs to fill as soon as possible. At a press conference he announced his intention to bid for Rover.
“What we’re looking for is an elderly wreck that hardly ever starts and keeps crashing, but we don’t think Microsoft Windows would be…”
At this point the sycophantic laughter from the assembled journalists drowned him out.
Later, the press conference ended in chaos when Mourinho tried to tap up the tea lady’s tits. “I deny everything,” he said. “It’s a coincidence she happened to be there, and besides, it’s somebody else’s fault that I did it. Er, can we just get the fine out of the way so we can get back to fawning over me?”
JR
“I…arrrgh!” said JR. Too late, he’s been shot.
Indeed…the last decaying relics of car manufacturer Rover are being sold off after its well-publicised collapse last April. It is the latest useless seesawing in this ridiculous saga and nobody believes we are coming out of this with any dignity or respect for the motoring industry.
Rover’s assets will reportedly go to whoever puts forward the business plan with the most clip-art of cartoon stick figures being dynamic, but this does not mean the situation is straightforward. The competition has been surprisingly intense, which means the bidders involved deserve further scrutiny. This is not an act of suspicion… surely nobody would buy Rover with the sole intention of destroying the business whilst awarding themselves massive bonuses. Capitalism would not allow that to happen, being made of feathers and treacle an’ that.
The bidders are as follows:
Rupert Murdoch
"Strewth, what I really want is for a fair bidding process," said the billionaire tyrant. "Which is why I've installed one of my sons on the selection board who will make damn sure the verdict is fair and balanced. And, coincidentally, my nationality is now officially Longbridgian. It's the only way we can have a fair sense of competition. By which I mean that I own a monopoly."
Murdoch's critics have complained that the roads will be a more dangerous place if he buys Rover. "Yeah, it's true that all my cars will drive on the extreme right. But it's only to balance the outrageously uncompetitive way the BBC drives on the left. And if Tony Blair complains, I'll get the Sun to photograph Euan on the toilet."
Derek Trotter
The second bidder to announce his intention was Mr Derek ‘Trot-Boy’ Trotter.
“Bonjour, plonker, during the war,” he told us, yesterday.
Derek ‘Del-Man’ Trotter has, in fact, bid for the company repeatedly in the past. “We can confirm we’ve seen the bid many times, generally around 8.00 on a Friday, and each time it seems to get less funny,” said a spokesman from bid overseers PricewaterhouseCoopers. “But the bit where the executive summary falls through the bar never gets old.”
“Cushty, luvvly jubbly, three-wheeled van,” added Derek.
Donald Trump
"Rover's sale has underlined the existence of a market in second hand car manufacturers," Donald told us. "The whole area is totally unregulated and dangerous for the entrepeneur. Last time I bought one I discovered the factory was just two ends of a Reliant Robin factory and an Austin factory welded together. It fell to bits within the week, killing hundreds. Mercifully, I couldn't be blamed because I'm very rich and important."
Donald announced his intention to bid yesterday, but doubt soon filled the air like stale cigar smoke.
“I don’t like the idea of being attached to something so decrepit and unloved but I’m sure I can turn things around,” said Donald’s hair. “Now, what was that about a car manufacturer?”
Jose Mourinho
With Steven Gerrard having signed on for another year at Liverpool, this has left a hole in the Chelsea midfield that Mourinho needs to fill as soon as possible. At a press conference he announced his intention to bid for Rover.
“What we’re looking for is an elderly wreck that hardly ever starts and keeps crashing, but we don’t think Microsoft Windows would be…”
At this point the sycophantic laughter from the assembled journalists drowned him out.
Later, the press conference ended in chaos when Mourinho tried to tap up the tea lady’s tits. “I deny everything,” he said. “It’s a coincidence she happened to be there, and besides, it’s somebody else’s fault that I did it. Er, can we just get the fine out of the way so we can get back to fawning over me?”
JR
“I…arrrgh!” said JR. Too late, he’s been shot.
posted by Jamie at 4:56 PM
2 Comments:
It'd kill you to put this on the Treehouse?
Pshaw, I'm too busy not being killed by exploding tubes at the moment, thank you.
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