Shave and a Haircut

The hire van screeches away in a cloud of dust and before you know it there's somebody new in the apartment block. Peering through the curtains tells you one thing. Ye gods! She has a figure like sex appeal is about to be rationed. Suddenly all the old detective films pop like fireworks in your head and all your metaphors become world-weary and about guns.

So you must introduce yourself. But you are too busy considering the unimportant things like what you should say to her. Big mistake, sonny. Knocking on their door, this is where the expert shines. The limp-wristed tappers have no place at our table. Thunderous rappers are equally unlikely to eat our crumbs. What you need is a carefully thought out combination knock that suggests you are both sensitive and confident. And that you have hands with which to caress that tear of joy on her apple-blossom cheek. So let us examine this concept before night falls and we all piss off to watch CSI. Those knocking combinations in full:

Knock: what the hell are you, stupid? This sounds more like a body falling lifeless to the floor than an attempt at ingress. More likely to put the girl of your dreams in the asylum than in the mood.

Knock, knock: the prim knock of attempted authority. Usually followed by a thin-lipped and nasal "I know you're in there. You still haven't taken your wheelie bin off the street, have you?" Will put the knockee in a defensive mood and your attempts at introducing yourself / borrowing sugar / getting a hot spoonful of giddy-up action will end in a limp apology and an embarrassed exit.

Knock-knock: more informal than the previous one in which the speed is crucial to ensure you don't appear like a schoolmistress whose hair bun is pulled too tight. The problem here is the implied over-efficiency of the knock. It says you are on a schedule and don't understand the meaning of "I'm not in, and certainly not hiding behind the sofa until you piss off." Best avoided because they're going to think you're fundraising for the Nazi party.

Knock, knock-knock: on first impression an impressively casual knock that doesn't sound too cheesy, but nobody would actually do this one. It's unnatural. It's too thought out, too prepared, and if we really want to delve into the psyche of the terminally neurotic, what if the first lonely knock implies a lack of courage before you are able to build up to a proper double knock? Eh? Eh? You have no chance with HER, you bloody loser.

Knock-knock, knock: a good, casual knock that doesn't sound prepared. It suggests you just happened to be passing and decided to spread a smile and some happiness by welcoming the new person to the neighbourhood. And the aftershave? Why, that just happened to fall onto my face in some kind of weird reverse gravity accident.

Knock-knock-knock-knock: open up, it's the filth! Guaranteed to get her leaping out of the window with her stash flushed down the toilet, you cruel idiot. One step down from pissing through her letterbox. No, that is not a euphemism.

Knock, knock-knock-knock, knock: physically impossible. You will be unable to resist adding the response "knock knock". Cheesy and unlovable. Wear a cartoon character tie on top of this and you will be getting as much sex tonight as a gas oven full of shit.

Knock, knock, knock-knock-knock: Yeah, bombard her with boorish terrace chic. Unless you've seen her guzzling down a meat pie floating in Bovril, steer clear of this. Besides...there's a sense of self-consciousness here. It tells her you've been thinking about it and want to appear a real "character". But let me tell you about another man who was seen as a bit of a character. His name was Adolf Hitler. Think on, fascist.

Ring: oooh, monkey found the doorbell at last. Well done. You've earned a banana and a night of hot ape loving.

On the other hand, stop over-thinking and just talk to her. Seriously, this is too much. Get a grip.