Someone's Going to Pay For This
"Always make the audience suffer as much as possible."
-- Alfred Hitchcock
Tony Blair is pacing the floor this morning and wishing that many things in his life would just go away… Black Watch are coming home and there is uncomfortable talk of casualty rates, disbanding the unit, and also the continuing violence in Iraq, now focused chiefly on Iraqis who co-operate with the Americans. Talk of his cheerful rival Gordon Brown continues to browbeat him…even Neil Kinnock is backing the chancellor, although how much weight he carried in these times is debatable; his Europhile stance frightens many in this country, and anybody who saw his abysmal performance chairing Have I Got News For You in Friday has yet to scrape their jaw off the floor.
But the main reason why the No. 10 carpet is being worn to the underlay is David Blunkett. Blair is fretting over how much he should back his wayward minister, knowing that his situation is balanced between the inevitable whitewash of the official enquiry and whatever the papers can dig up. Some people are suggesting that the fact that Blunkett was so quick to address these allegations was a masterstroke in controlling his environment. He fenced off these problems and addressed them immediately, which meant he could ensure that any skeletons dancing around in cupboards outside the fence would never be noticed. So long as he severed any possible connection between the known allegations and the unknown potential ones, he would be able to take this whole bad situation as a flesh wound from which he would recover well in time for the election.
And as soon as he clears this lot up he will be on the attack; he will straighten his tie and harden his heart. He will unscrew his hand, toss it into the waste bin, and screw on an iron fist in its place. Drums will sound. The piano in the corner of the saloon will cease. And there will be fireworks. Another army of straw men for him to crush. Another massive dose of the Fear for us all, and any talk of any future affairs will be classed as terrorism…we will all be clapped in manacles for this, the press will be castrated, and we will be begging for identity cards. If we don't, we will be carried off in the night and have our buttocks calved into slices, to be garnished with the liver of demonstrators, the intestines of activists, and the hearts of everyone with a heart. He will not use our brains, though; they left on the first spaceship off the planet when I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here began its most recent run.
Hmm…now the Tories have brushed themselves off and started calling for David Blunkett's resignation. Which means they now know that he will be staying… If the dam was truly about to burst, washing away Blunkett's front bench career like a straw hut on the valley floor, they would not be so vocal. Opposition parties do not force resignations…no, they happen when events are badly contained by the perpetrator's army of dark-hearted aides.
Ah, but the results are still not in and there could be a nasty surprise lurking in wait…with the newspapers in baleful humour, all they need to do is to catch him in one big lie for them to cite the Boris Johnson precedent; that is, shag around all you like, just don't lie to the faithful. That is what maketh the man in modern parliament. Our ministers used to live and die by the simple maxim "don't get caught". Now this has become irrelevant. Strange times indeed.
In the meantime, Blair continues to pace and wonder who will be next. If he is anything like the man we have come to expect, that person will be You and Me.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
Tony Blair is pacing the floor this morning and wishing that many things in his life would just go away… Black Watch are coming home and there is uncomfortable talk of casualty rates, disbanding the unit, and also the continuing violence in Iraq, now focused chiefly on Iraqis who co-operate with the Americans. Talk of his cheerful rival Gordon Brown continues to browbeat him…even Neil Kinnock is backing the chancellor, although how much weight he carried in these times is debatable; his Europhile stance frightens many in this country, and anybody who saw his abysmal performance chairing Have I Got News For You in Friday has yet to scrape their jaw off the floor.
But the main reason why the No. 10 carpet is being worn to the underlay is David Blunkett. Blair is fretting over how much he should back his wayward minister, knowing that his situation is balanced between the inevitable whitewash of the official enquiry and whatever the papers can dig up. Some people are suggesting that the fact that Blunkett was so quick to address these allegations was a masterstroke in controlling his environment. He fenced off these problems and addressed them immediately, which meant he could ensure that any skeletons dancing around in cupboards outside the fence would never be noticed. So long as he severed any possible connection between the known allegations and the unknown potential ones, he would be able to take this whole bad situation as a flesh wound from which he would recover well in time for the election.
And as soon as he clears this lot up he will be on the attack; he will straighten his tie and harden his heart. He will unscrew his hand, toss it into the waste bin, and screw on an iron fist in its place. Drums will sound. The piano in the corner of the saloon will cease. And there will be fireworks. Another army of straw men for him to crush. Another massive dose of the Fear for us all, and any talk of any future affairs will be classed as terrorism…we will all be clapped in manacles for this, the press will be castrated, and we will be begging for identity cards. If we don't, we will be carried off in the night and have our buttocks calved into slices, to be garnished with the liver of demonstrators, the intestines of activists, and the hearts of everyone with a heart. He will not use our brains, though; they left on the first spaceship off the planet when I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here began its most recent run.
Hmm…now the Tories have brushed themselves off and started calling for David Blunkett's resignation. Which means they now know that he will be staying… If the dam was truly about to burst, washing away Blunkett's front bench career like a straw hut on the valley floor, they would not be so vocal. Opposition parties do not force resignations…no, they happen when events are badly contained by the perpetrator's army of dark-hearted aides.
Ah, but the results are still not in and there could be a nasty surprise lurking in wait…with the newspapers in baleful humour, all they need to do is to catch him in one big lie for them to cite the Boris Johnson precedent; that is, shag around all you like, just don't lie to the faithful. That is what maketh the man in modern parliament. Our ministers used to live and die by the simple maxim "don't get caught". Now this has become irrelevant. Strange times indeed.
In the meantime, Blair continues to pace and wonder who will be next. If he is anything like the man we have come to expect, that person will be You and Me.
posted by Jamie at 10:51 AM
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