Narrate, Friend, and Enter
Sometimes you watch an entire programme without realising than an actor you like was in the thing. The credits roll, the mist clears and your jaw drops. My God! Him? Really? Thingy from that programme you used to watch? Good Lord. Hasn’t he aged...he’s got bigger jowls than you nowadays. This happened to me the other day. I watched Shogun Assassin and was surprised to see Sandra Bernhard in the credits. What the hell?
This can also happen during a documentary, narrated by somebody famous whom you fail to recognise until the credits. You sit on the sofa, idly scratching your ear with a Dorito, letting the television wash over you. Then the Last Line is spoken – the narrator pauses momentarily, his voice becomes deeper and more meaningful, and then he states the bleeding obvious with the utmost gravity. “The lion cubs... pause... have lived another day... pause... to be part of the endless cycle of life... pause... on the glorious plains of the Serengeti.” Or... ”The penguins have once again... pause... survived the winter... pause...to live another day... pause... in the frozen wastes... pause... of this most majestic... pause... of frozen wastes... pause... on another day...” etc etc. At this point the programme ends and if you listen carefully you can hear a wad of money changing hands, a high-pitched whoop of joy and a cartoon sound effect of someone taking off at high speed and vanishing over the horizon.
The music swells...generally something Enya picked out of her arse with a toasting fork. Nice. You find yourself coming out of your daydream as the credits appear. Then you realise that, all along, you have been listening to the voice of Bernard Cribbins, or Manuel from Fawlty Towers, or perhaps Martin Clunes. Startled at this, you try and recall a single line from the programme. You fail utterly. And you can’t even remember what the narrator sounded like. Or, indeed, what the hell you just watched. Welcome to Sunday.
But it is now Monday and it is snowing over London tonight. If it continues then tomorrow will Not Be Much Fun. Tomorrow? Hmm...only a few minutes away now...
There are more words to go with these cowering thoughts but I cannot pursue that tonight... I must sleep now. Goodnight everybody.
This can also happen during a documentary, narrated by somebody famous whom you fail to recognise until the credits. You sit on the sofa, idly scratching your ear with a Dorito, letting the television wash over you. Then the Last Line is spoken – the narrator pauses momentarily, his voice becomes deeper and more meaningful, and then he states the bleeding obvious with the utmost gravity. “The lion cubs... pause... have lived another day... pause... to be part of the endless cycle of life... pause... on the glorious plains of the Serengeti.” Or... ”The penguins have once again... pause... survived the winter... pause...to live another day... pause... in the frozen wastes... pause... of this most majestic... pause... of frozen wastes... pause... on another day...” etc etc. At this point the programme ends and if you listen carefully you can hear a wad of money changing hands, a high-pitched whoop of joy and a cartoon sound effect of someone taking off at high speed and vanishing over the horizon.
The music swells...generally something Enya picked out of her arse with a toasting fork. Nice. You find yourself coming out of your daydream as the credits appear. Then you realise that, all along, you have been listening to the voice of Bernard Cribbins, or Manuel from Fawlty Towers, or perhaps Martin Clunes. Startled at this, you try and recall a single line from the programme. You fail utterly. And you can’t even remember what the narrator sounded like. Or, indeed, what the hell you just watched. Welcome to Sunday.
But it is now Monday and it is snowing over London tonight. If it continues then tomorrow will Not Be Much Fun. Tomorrow? Hmm...only a few minutes away now...
There are more words to go with these cowering thoughts but I cannot pursue that tonight... I must sleep now. Goodnight everybody.
posted by Jamie at 11:55 PM
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