Valley of the Dells
With the arrival of a few cardboard boxes yesterday, a strange and unbelievable had happened. After waiting for half a year I finally had a new work computer. I was going from having the worst machine in the company – running on Windows 95 and sounding like a washing machine every time the hard drive was access – to one of the best.
Now, the very existence of new IT equipment has the same effect as sending off an all-users email promising a free porn bonanza. So it came to pass that the rest of the company began sniffing around my office like dogs. They had picked up the scent of the impossible and could scarcely believe that I had managed to outfox the IT department… in the sense that I had been given the correct tool with which to do my job a mere six months late, the cunning bastard that I am. But their oohs and ahs began to blacken my mood so I shooed the dogs from my door, clutching the mouse protectively.
The IT department had tried every trick in the book to procrastinate long enough to ensure that the computer could only be delivered sometime after the sun explodes. But their failure was sealed when one of the IT staff themselves broke rank some weeks ago; she saw my old laptop and became instantly affronted at the mere sight of such a black relic. Her reaction was the same as the wolf in the old Droopy cartoons when he opens yet another door to find the dog staring up at him dolefully…and Droopy turns to camera and says ”I do this to him all through the picture”.
Now that she had been sufficiently offended she became a champion of the machine’s replacement campaign. The others in the department fell like dominoes… but their eyes, their eyes! In their eyes there was a look of fury, an understanding that I was a kind of superthief, but unlike Raffles I was no gentleman.
So it is almost a shame, then, that I am leaving in a week and a half. Almost.
In every company there are people who throw up dust every time something essential needs to be done…be it purchase basic office equipment or comply with sensible health and safety. They should have their hair ripped out. The budget is, of course, king here, but the reasons these people give for not doing their jobs are never financial. They are suspicious and petty and quite incredibly wrong.
The irony in this company is that for every minute a train is late, the company is fined fifty pounds. A minor delay at one end of the line can build up to a fine costing many thousands of pounds…and we have people dedicated to ensuring we can prove that we did not cause the delay. New processes put in place by the people here have reduced these delay minutes by a massive amount, saving the company tens of thousands of pounds. But this saved money disappears somewhere. The budget cupboard remains bare; we reap no harvest despite sowing more seeds that ever before.
So fuck them, fuck them when they say there is no money, because there is money. We need to do our jobs properly so that the company runs efficaciously and efficiently. They are cutting off their own hands by not allowing us to do them properly. They are idiots and their useless kind are replicated throughout every industry in the world. This is not a new thought, of course, but it is nevertheless sobering to have it spelt out in front of you with such naked disregard for basic fucking logic.
But my new computer is very nice, so they have bought me off for now. The revolution can wait for another day… once I have left.
Now, the very existence of new IT equipment has the same effect as sending off an all-users email promising a free porn bonanza. So it came to pass that the rest of the company began sniffing around my office like dogs. They had picked up the scent of the impossible and could scarcely believe that I had managed to outfox the IT department… in the sense that I had been given the correct tool with which to do my job a mere six months late, the cunning bastard that I am. But their oohs and ahs began to blacken my mood so I shooed the dogs from my door, clutching the mouse protectively.
The IT department had tried every trick in the book to procrastinate long enough to ensure that the computer could only be delivered sometime after the sun explodes. But their failure was sealed when one of the IT staff themselves broke rank some weeks ago; she saw my old laptop and became instantly affronted at the mere sight of such a black relic. Her reaction was the same as the wolf in the old Droopy cartoons when he opens yet another door to find the dog staring up at him dolefully…and Droopy turns to camera and says ”I do this to him all through the picture”.
Now that she had been sufficiently offended she became a champion of the machine’s replacement campaign. The others in the department fell like dominoes… but their eyes, their eyes! In their eyes there was a look of fury, an understanding that I was a kind of superthief, but unlike Raffles I was no gentleman.
So it is almost a shame, then, that I am leaving in a week and a half. Almost.
In every company there are people who throw up dust every time something essential needs to be done…be it purchase basic office equipment or comply with sensible health and safety. They should have their hair ripped out. The budget is, of course, king here, but the reasons these people give for not doing their jobs are never financial. They are suspicious and petty and quite incredibly wrong.
The irony in this company is that for every minute a train is late, the company is fined fifty pounds. A minor delay at one end of the line can build up to a fine costing many thousands of pounds…and we have people dedicated to ensuring we can prove that we did not cause the delay. New processes put in place by the people here have reduced these delay minutes by a massive amount, saving the company tens of thousands of pounds. But this saved money disappears somewhere. The budget cupboard remains bare; we reap no harvest despite sowing more seeds that ever before.
So fuck them, fuck them when they say there is no money, because there is money. We need to do our jobs properly so that the company runs efficaciously and efficiently. They are cutting off their own hands by not allowing us to do them properly. They are idiots and their useless kind are replicated throughout every industry in the world. This is not a new thought, of course, but it is nevertheless sobering to have it spelt out in front of you with such naked disregard for basic fucking logic.
But my new computer is very nice, so they have bought me off for now. The revolution can wait for another day… once I have left.
posted by Jamie at 8:09 PM
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