War and Quiche
Hmm. My recent bulletins on food look self-obsessed and tiresome in retrospect, and I realise that I should get off my high horse and stop being such a goddamn ponce. So in this spirit of penitence I have prepared a short guide to how we Men should really cook. To hell with purple sprouting broccoli!
This guide is for all you Real Men who can't tell your butternut squash from your squashed nuts in butter, who find all this healthy seasonal eating a bunch of frou-frou crap, and who fear and revile the middle classes for snottily wanting to spend the money they earn on something that will make them happy. So wipe that KFC grease from your chapped lips and step this way; it's time to learn to Cook Like a Man!
Hetero Beans on Toast:
Get the LITTLE LADY to make you some beans on toast. If she refuses, or worse embellishes the dish with some PUFFY ROCKET SALAD, divorce her brains out.
A Meaty Stew:
Herbs? Herbs? Don't be so TITTING ridiculous. Only posh, pencil-necked NOBHEAD DICKWEEDS with great well-paying jobs, high levels of life satisfaction and other PUFFY STUFF use herbs. Just rip apart a roast joint (once the LITTLE WOMAN has cooked it, of course...you can't be expected to do ALL THE WORK around here, can you?) and pour gravy onto it. Use instant granules, not GAY proper gravy that tastes of something other than POO. Hey presto, a stew done the MAN way.
Fucking Great Pizza:
Ring up the pizza delivery shop (it's number 1 on your speed dial) and ask for their variation on the standard Fat Bastard Nothing But Meat Pizza that all pizza shops do. Ask for a LOVELY BIRD to do the deliverying instead of a spotty 17 year old boy who will obviously and cynically try and do THE SEX with your missus. When the LOVELY BIRD turns up, try and shag her. It's EQUALITY an' that.
Sausages and FUCK ALL:
Cook a sausage and shove it in your manly gob, possibly whilst playing the drums and dreaming of THE SEX.
Proper Curry:
First, ask yourself what flavour curry you want. Do you want it to taste like 5? 13? Or perhaps 21? Who cares, when LADY LUCK will dish out a tasty surprise on the sell-by-date bargain shelf at Sainsbury's. Ignore the troublesome words like Rogan Josh on the packet. These words are a conspiracy to confuse the HONEST ENGLISHMAN. It's all just bits of meat floating in juice after all, innit? Oh, and don't forget the fragrant pilau rice. IF YOU'RE A RAGING POOFTAH, that is.
A Can of Beer:
The dinner choice of the GENTLEMAN. Contains all the vitamins you need, all the water and, er, other life stuff. So why bother with anything else? Whilst enjoying your beer don't forget to shout boorishly at the Missus for no reason...after all, all this science need not worry her PRETTY LITTLE HEAD. So go ahead, crack open a can of Fosters and watch something on THE TELLY with BIG TITTIES in it.
Rainbow Trout en Papillote:
Cut out a large square shape from a piece of foil and a smaller square from a sheet of greaseproof paper. Line the foil with...hang about, is this...? Yes, it's a BASTARD RECIPE! What are you, a WRONG 'UN, or something? And just what the hell is this rainbow trout thingy? Sounds MADE UP to me. Go and put up some SHELVES, you traitor to all mankind.
There. It's not so difficult, is it? Now come on, pick up that flaming torch and those pitchforks, we're off to storm Castle Foodie and show those repulsive oiks why dying at 45 of a heart attack, in the shit-covered alley behind the kebab shop, is what makes us Proud to be Men...
This guide is for all you Real Men who can't tell your butternut squash from your squashed nuts in butter, who find all this healthy seasonal eating a bunch of frou-frou crap, and who fear and revile the middle classes for snottily wanting to spend the money they earn on something that will make them happy. So wipe that KFC grease from your chapped lips and step this way; it's time to learn to Cook Like a Man!
Hetero Beans on Toast:
Get the LITTLE LADY to make you some beans on toast. If she refuses, or worse embellishes the dish with some PUFFY ROCKET SALAD, divorce her brains out.
A Meaty Stew:
Herbs? Herbs? Don't be so TITTING ridiculous. Only posh, pencil-necked NOBHEAD DICKWEEDS with great well-paying jobs, high levels of life satisfaction and other PUFFY STUFF use herbs. Just rip apart a roast joint (once the LITTLE WOMAN has cooked it, of course...you can't be expected to do ALL THE WORK around here, can you?) and pour gravy onto it. Use instant granules, not GAY proper gravy that tastes of something other than POO. Hey presto, a stew done the MAN way.
Fucking Great Pizza:
Ring up the pizza delivery shop (it's number 1 on your speed dial) and ask for their variation on the standard Fat Bastard Nothing But Meat Pizza that all pizza shops do. Ask for a LOVELY BIRD to do the deliverying instead of a spotty 17 year old boy who will obviously and cynically try and do THE SEX with your missus. When the LOVELY BIRD turns up, try and shag her. It's EQUALITY an' that.
Sausages and FUCK ALL:
Cook a sausage and shove it in your manly gob, possibly whilst playing the drums and dreaming of THE SEX.
Proper Curry:
First, ask yourself what flavour curry you want. Do you want it to taste like 5? 13? Or perhaps 21? Who cares, when LADY LUCK will dish out a tasty surprise on the sell-by-date bargain shelf at Sainsbury's. Ignore the troublesome words like Rogan Josh on the packet. These words are a conspiracy to confuse the HONEST ENGLISHMAN. It's all just bits of meat floating in juice after all, innit? Oh, and don't forget the fragrant pilau rice. IF YOU'RE A RAGING POOFTAH, that is.
A Can of Beer:
The dinner choice of the GENTLEMAN. Contains all the vitamins you need, all the water and, er, other life stuff. So why bother with anything else? Whilst enjoying your beer don't forget to shout boorishly at the Missus for no reason...after all, all this science need not worry her PRETTY LITTLE HEAD. So go ahead, crack open a can of Fosters and watch something on THE TELLY with BIG TITTIES in it.
Rainbow Trout en Papillote:
Cut out a large square shape from a piece of foil and a smaller square from a sheet of greaseproof paper. Line the foil with...hang about, is this...? Yes, it's a BASTARD RECIPE! What are you, a WRONG 'UN, or something? And just what the hell is this rainbow trout thingy? Sounds MADE UP to me. Go and put up some SHELVES, you traitor to all mankind.
There. It's not so difficult, is it? Now come on, pick up that flaming torch and those pitchforks, we're off to storm Castle Foodie and show those repulsive oiks why dying at 45 of a heart attack, in the shit-covered alley behind the kebab shop, is what makes us Proud to be Men...
posted by Jamie at 2:36 PM
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