Remainders of the Day
Last night, whilst breaking into a publishing house that shall remain nameless, I found an intriguing list amongst the piles of cash and unsold copies of Graham Norton's autobiography. It was a list of books to be published ready for Christmas 2005. My interest was piqued, and in the gloom I began to study the list.
Something seemed wrong. It felt like I had read this list before. It took me moments to realise why; the titles of the books were eerily similar to this year's Christmas list. As I gathered these thoughts, a light whooshed on and a security guard stood towering over me. I kneed him in the groin and bolted, tossing in a match behind me as I climbed out of the window. The fire soon spread to half the city, but it was the rubbish half and nobody noticed.
Below are some of the books from the list I confiscated.
The Little Book of Crap Telegraph Poles
Do you have a crap telegraph pole on your street? If so, will you ever be able to show your face in public again? Your friends will lie on their backs like dogs and waggle their legs in the air at the sheer hilarity of this hilarious and witty book. Perfect for people with absurd senses of humour! And smug, fuckwitted twenty-somethings who think swearing and Jeremy Clarkson are funny.
The Little Book of Comedy Letters
Do you find the idea of bothering anonymous secretaries amusing? Jolly good. So does everyone else! A hundred of the funniest made-up letters from a self-satisfied arsehole to various companies around the country, following in the hilarious tradition of people in the media taking up the valuable time of people with more important jobs than theirs in order to provide all their media chums with evidence of how amazingly clever they are. Coming soon: the Little Book of Theatre Critics Throwing Bricks at Tradesmen.
The Little Book of Smug Parodies
An indispensable and uproarious spoof of last year's unfunny and overpriced book you received as a gift. Relies entirely on you being dumb enough to have read the original pisspoor book for you to get the joke. It's also twice the price.
The Little Book of Polemics
The complete guide to having an opinion during this festive period. Contains 101 reasons why other people's beliefs are wrong, including:
1. They're not white and middle class
2. They haven't had exactly the same experiences and dreams as you
3. They're not you
The Little Book of Wiping Your Arse
An indispensable guide to that wholesome activity we all have to practice from time to time. Packed with fascinating faecal facts, the modern man-about-toilet will never again fear being caught out by smears, clingers, nuggets, aftershocks, matting, tearing, chafing, chapping, wiping against the grain and missing entirely. The perfect preparation for a lunchbreak spent juggling a toilet roll in one hand and last year's unfunny and overpriced book in the other.
The Pseudo-Posh Little Book of Lists
Because saying things like "splendid" and "jolly good" is side-splittingly hilarious.
The Little Stocking Filler Book
You know that creepy weirdo in your life you bought a gift for several years ago, and now the bastard sends you something every year and you feel guilty about not returning the favour? Wondering what to buy him? Well, wonder no more! The book is a load of bollocks, but hey, that expensive price on the back looks good and the cute name flatters the recipient into thinking you give a damn about them. And if somebody is stupid enough to buy it for you, it is exactly the right size and weight to get biblical on their arses.
The Bible
The cash-in book of the brilliant website. Contains St Paul's Blog to the Corinthians and I'm A Celebrity – Exodus!
Something seemed wrong. It felt like I had read this list before. It took me moments to realise why; the titles of the books were eerily similar to this year's Christmas list. As I gathered these thoughts, a light whooshed on and a security guard stood towering over me. I kneed him in the groin and bolted, tossing in a match behind me as I climbed out of the window. The fire soon spread to half the city, but it was the rubbish half and nobody noticed.
Below are some of the books from the list I confiscated.
The Little Book of Crap Telegraph Poles
Do you have a crap telegraph pole on your street? If so, will you ever be able to show your face in public again? Your friends will lie on their backs like dogs and waggle their legs in the air at the sheer hilarity of this hilarious and witty book. Perfect for people with absurd senses of humour! And smug, fuckwitted twenty-somethings who think swearing and Jeremy Clarkson are funny.
The Little Book of Comedy Letters
Do you find the idea of bothering anonymous secretaries amusing? Jolly good. So does everyone else! A hundred of the funniest made-up letters from a self-satisfied arsehole to various companies around the country, following in the hilarious tradition of people in the media taking up the valuable time of people with more important jobs than theirs in order to provide all their media chums with evidence of how amazingly clever they are. Coming soon: the Little Book of Theatre Critics Throwing Bricks at Tradesmen.
The Little Book of Smug Parodies
An indispensable and uproarious spoof of last year's unfunny and overpriced book you received as a gift. Relies entirely on you being dumb enough to have read the original pisspoor book for you to get the joke. It's also twice the price.
The Little Book of Polemics
The complete guide to having an opinion during this festive period. Contains 101 reasons why other people's beliefs are wrong, including:
1. They're not white and middle class
2. They haven't had exactly the same experiences and dreams as you
3. They're not you
The Little Book of Wiping Your Arse
An indispensable guide to that wholesome activity we all have to practice from time to time. Packed with fascinating faecal facts, the modern man-about-toilet will never again fear being caught out by smears, clingers, nuggets, aftershocks, matting, tearing, chafing, chapping, wiping against the grain and missing entirely. The perfect preparation for a lunchbreak spent juggling a toilet roll in one hand and last year's unfunny and overpriced book in the other.
The Pseudo-Posh Little Book of Lists
Because saying things like "splendid" and "jolly good" is side-splittingly hilarious.
The Little Stocking Filler Book
You know that creepy weirdo in your life you bought a gift for several years ago, and now the bastard sends you something every year and you feel guilty about not returning the favour? Wondering what to buy him? Well, wonder no more! The book is a load of bollocks, but hey, that expensive price on the back looks good and the cute name flatters the recipient into thinking you give a damn about them. And if somebody is stupid enough to buy it for you, it is exactly the right size and weight to get biblical on their arses.
The Bible
The cash-in book of the brilliant website. Contains St Paul's Blog to the Corinthians and I'm A Celebrity – Exodus!
posted by Jamie at 9:11 AM
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